Right now, if killing someone would get me DXM, I’d do it without hesitation.
I don’t care who tells me it’s an addiction problem. There is nothing, not a single thing on the earth that makes me feel anything even close to happy anymore. All I ever think is “fuck this” and all I ever do is avoid people.
Now to put this into perspective, DXM changes everything. Sensory overload, in the best of ways. My body just bursts with all of the energy and emotion that has ever existed. My brain, is happy and content, and sort of sneaks off to it’s own place. And I go to another state, which I’m assuming is some level of subconscious, where all I feel is wonder, mystery, happiness, love… Most of all, creativity.
Whether it’s between the hallucinations or the fact that I’m breaching a gap to all of the things I grasp within my head but dont quite get… I paint things I would never be able to make the hand/brain connection to before. I think things that change me.
I heard a saying today that went “You are the problem, but you are also the solution.” Myself in my daily life is the problem. I need to change my reactions to the things I deal with every day. The solution, are my thoughts and philosophies on DXM. Everything makes sense, even when I come down. It’s like, coming through this strange subconscious state, is a tunnel. At the end, is the door to a better life.
If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand
Hope you find out what you are; already know what I am
And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again
You can tell me how vile I already know that I am.
(via remyma)
My brother goes on my other blog and there is no way I can say what is going on if I know he is fucking reading it.
I fucking hate myself so much. All I want to do is die. I’ve been trying, fucking killing myself desperately trying, to feel even slightly better. But I can’t. I will never stop wanting to die. I’m just a fucking middle class/has a perfect life/useless/ingrate. I hate my family with a fucking burning passion. I do not deserve to be treated how I am. I hate everything I’ve ever done. I hate how great I am at hiding all of this, because nobody knows so nobody stops treating me like a fucking useless fuck. I hate how even when I don’t eat for days they don’t notice and when I do eat I get called a fucking fatty/piggy LITTLE DO THEY KNOW that’s the fucking first thing I have eaten in two days. And all the time I spend hiding in my room is NOT because I have no fucking friends. It’s because I’m hiding from my parents and fucking crying and cutting and avoiding the goddamn kitchen. I have no fucking use for life. There is nothing I enjoy enough to keep me here. I love my friends, but they can survive without me. It’s human nature, to adapt and move on. I am only slowing people down.
So yeah. Bottom line is I hate everything, everyone, and myself.
And this entire post makes me sound even more like a fucking useless whining bitch. Whatever. That’s what I am. Don’t subject yourself to it, I wouldn’t force it on you.
Had the most disturbing dream… ):
It’s raining today which is preventing my daily walk. Whuut. -__-
Yesterday I ate 3 pieces of pizza with friends.
Its 1pm and all I plan to eat until 5pm is the HUGE coffee that I just ingested.
Scale says : 114.2
Tyler, The Creator.
I relate so well. Secretly I think he’s a little bit crazy, and his lyrics are so violent and explicit… But still, what he’s saying really gets me. I’m amazed.
omgomgomgomg
drunk as fuck cheated on Andy who I don’t have feelings for a broke up with and I got with the boy I’ve been waiting forever for who I love da fucks going on someone explain autocorrect makes this legible I think
LUCKY CHARMS
ED, why did you become ohinternet? fuckthatshit.
This scared the living SHIT out of me tonight:
http://ohinternet.com/Creepypasta/Mediocre
